plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Im so sleepy and hes snoring super loud! i just wanna suffocate him, sleep, and deal with the body when I wake up
And that's when I found out that Patrick wasn't in fact down with O.P.P.
I go to guys houses late at night, have a little fun, come back by dawn having made their life a little bit better. I am the official blow job fairy.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I decided taking Molly and seeing Birdman seemed like a wise life choice.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
You know. You being in a happy healthy relationship is REALLLYY cutting into our drinking alone together time.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
Randomize
