Really? You have stories that rival having a threesome with the two best friends of the guy your kinda seeing? Thats impressive.
I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker
I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
I'm in the line at Chipotle thinking: "What combo will best prepare my body for the open bar I'm going to subject it to tonight?"
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
It might be the most honest thing I've ever said. ...or I've had 3 vodka tonics.
If you don't respond in the next 30min, I'm going to assume your in a sex coma, in jail, or dead... All of which I've become accustomed to, and will follow the appropriate channels of notification once you notify me.
Randomize
