I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways
I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.
You text him a porn site address and said GOODBYE ... I think he got the hint
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
this potential sugar daddy just sent me a photo of him butt naked in the woods saying he wants to "grow our spirits together." so i think i found us a new drug dealer!
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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