If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.
Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
At least I remembered to wear a bra. I feel like that's a big accomplishment right now
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
STOP PUTTING PICTURES OF JONAH HILL IN MY KITCHEN CABINETS!
Kind of like the new iOS 10 because I can send sexts with fireworks or confetti. Really gets the point across
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
