Washing the last semen-stained shirt you have really solidifies a breakup. It just got real.
So this shipmate of mine somehow managed to throw up in his back pocket.
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
I'm giving head in a stairwell, I'll be back in a few minutes. I'm so ashamed.
We had sex six times. In a span of 8 hours. Confirmation I don't need to go to the gym.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
She was gone when I unblacked out, but she had nailed her panties to the wall and wrote “Colleen’s Dick”with a sharpie on the wall. No idea where she got a hammer and nail
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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