it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Oh please. You given/recieved a handjob out in public. I think that shy ship has sailed.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
God, for the last time, no I did not break my nose doing a keg-stand just for a nose job.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
What wine did you feed Jack? Might not want to waste the good stuff on kitties. Kitties only get box wine.
I literally wonder, frequently, "Will anyone ever fuck me until i go cross eyed for 2 hours again?''
Yes but I said "let's get a dog" not a drunk human so some rules will be established this evening
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
I hate him but I love him for what he does which is me
Randomize
