if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"
I may have been to starbucks and 2 classes with balls still written on my face...
For someone who "only drinks patron" your lack of pickiness with men alarms me
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
So he says "my girlfriends coming over so you have to leave but I love you"
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Btw I have come to the conclusion that we really need to do it in a bed. Like at least once..
Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.
I woke up covered in thousand island dressing. I need answers.
Randomize
