Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.
Does this sound normal?...She's ironing on pictures of her dead cat to all of her green clothes...
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
The pastor just stopped the sermon to lay hands on me. THAT hungover.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Yeah I'm at the doctors getting a shotand don't know how to tell them I'm still probably drunk from last night
He looks like an accountant with a secret kinky candy filled center.
I can appreciate that you picked up the hot drummer, but don’t have sex in front of my house lmao
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
