i'm gonna be such a cougar when i'm older...i just facebook stalked my little sister's 13 yr old boyfriend while drinking a bottle of wine....
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff
You leave me no choice. Your vagina is grounded. It can just sit there and think about what it's done.
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
Shit stained towel. The very symbol of how much closer we are as friends. Fall 011... beautiful disaster
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.
Well I let her practice her tattooing on me. This shaky dragon on my arm says Im getting laid.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
I woke up in a front yard I didn't recognize to a grandma tapping me with her foot. What was in that punch?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Yesterday I febreezed my bed in between gentleman callers
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