someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us
all I wanna do is swim in an Olympic sized pool of Gatorade and tylenol.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
Got home and told boyfriend what happened. He was like "you made out with a guy you call Balls Deep?" and hi-fived me.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
wait. i have to tell u something. and it has nothing to do with dildos or spiders
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
You stocked up?
No actually didn’t get a chance. If you wouldn’t mind bringing me a brownie and a bottle of Jameson that’d be nice
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