I woke up and she had washed, dried, folded my clothes, cooked me breakfast, and had started cleaning my room
haha, you sure you didnt fuck your mom?
I'm more concerned as to why he has a playlist entitled Dem Club Beats.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
do guys with small dicks even attempt to pursue romantic relationships?
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
Randomize
