I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times
Also, just almost microwaved cereal. Thank god mom is here to stop me.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
I just walked past a guy banging a chick in the back of his car.
I didn't even have pants on and you think I had an agenda
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
is it just me or does "lol" kill any sort of vibe while sexting?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
This is a hot dog holiday. I intend to do my part for the processed meat workers of this great union.
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