I know its small, but please -- stop calling it my "weenis".
kindergarten is hard when you're hung over.
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
You kept flirting with some guy while I was throwing up on the sidewalk, and I screamed YOU DON'T LIKE MEN
Why does my car smell like burnt toast?
I take it you don't remember trying to make grilled cheese with your cigarette lighter...
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
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