Do you ever creep on the girls you have banged and wondered how their walk of shame went?
I didn't know it was possible to throw up mid-sneeze.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
Penises. Everywhere.
You're. Welcome.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
Rumble strips road head = magical
I just want a teacup pet pig so I can take him to parties with me and never have to walk home alone again.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
this is a preemptive text before you call me freaking out: i have your keys and your car is parked safely a block down from your apartment.
you are a goddess
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Just found out a shooting happened in our parking lot while it was closed this morning. So thaaaaaaaaats fun.
Randomize
