my sisters under your porch take her home
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
Yeah i knew he wasn't okay when he told me he was "seeing his vision"
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family
Our sex has gotten so much better since we broke up.
he puked in the sink and didnt turn off the water before he passed out on the bathroom floor. its been 2 hrs and we finally noticed that the whole fucking house is flooded. to hell with this birthday party
Because the guy guy doing the drawing either wanted to bone, or wanted us to stop entering the contest. Either way, we got concert tickets so I'm cool with both scenarios.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Don't judge me 👊🏼 his dick just whispers my name
Been using bowl smoking as a method of time for so long I don't know how long it actually takes to get to work
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
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