His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
His texts read Like a 15 year olds diary.
I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.
Company party. Just told vp "you look like a cat person"
I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.
We got to his house at 7am and two random guys were on the couch shot gunning beers saying we were late for the party
I woke up in a tutu and topless. How was your night?
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
What's that? Is there a bottle of Jack calling me? I think so...
Randomize
