I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
Somebody spraypainted a transformers head on a transformer box..my life is complete
Right now im sitting at home and all i can think about is im eating calories and i should be out drinking them.
You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
You know it's been awhile when the imagery of fucking AT A DENNY'S gets me really turned on.
I just wanna say I did some math and I lasted 1,052,000 more minutes than you at the bar before I got kicked out. That's 729 days. Bitch
I know more about this girls vagina than I know about her personality
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize
