put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
I went to the bar saying i wasn't going to drink that much. I forgot sobriety might as well be some mythical creature when you're with Holleey
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
This is my punishment for trynna have a festive time with a stranger. I always forget you can't get weird with one night stands
It's shark week go big or go home
Don’t say some truly stupid shit like that to me. In a kitchen. Where the knives are kept
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
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