thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.
So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?
I'm confused as to why I have a picture of your boobs in response to a photo of my father
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
Trying to take a nap and my brain decides to play "lets have flashbacks every time you blew it with a chick in college". It's a montage of stupidity and youthful inexperience. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
