this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol
you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
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You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"
Rode my bike to work still drunk. Almost threw up on a camper while getting him out of his parents car.
Promise me you won't have sex in my room
I can't promise you that, but I promise you that I'll try
Might want to in your tub tho. That thing is fucking huge.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
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Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
I just wanna get hammered somewhere crazy. Meet some chicks. Bang them and then go scuba diving.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nice. Ask if they watched saved by the bell. yes=legal. No=jailbait