enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.
im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre
i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
I mean i can't really be mad...either way i was gonna fuck him or hate fuck him, so it's basically a win/win situation.
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I just connected with one of your drug dealers on LinkedIn.
Now when you said you'd never sleep with me, did you really mean never on a Monday or never without handcuffs or a blindfold or never on a airplane or never without lots of booze? Cus never is a pretty strong word.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
I'm giving random strangers at the bar sips of my fishbowl, then telling them I have Ebola. It's a fun night.
Dude I got in an Uber this morning and he goes “I drove you last night”\n“You got your dick sucked in the back seat”
To describe how high he was he said, " I'm cocked out of my ape sandwich" so yes...that was some pretty good weed.
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Hot fire fighters installing my closet. Don't know how to go about this. Gonna nonchalantly take my shirt off and see what happens..
Randomize
