Sry I left before you woke up. The house was really fucked up and I didn't feel like helping you clean. PS Somebody threw up on your dog
I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.
i woke up hungover wearing my gym shorts and the condom from last night. Wine bar thursdays rule.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
Jäger goes great with personal crises and receding morals...
Oh, that was the alley that I ate a pine cone in.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
The exact people you expect to find at a bar at 2pm are here. Come visit. We'd really like the company.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
It's Valentine's Day, I figure for sure we'll have sex today, right? Wrong. I tried unsuccessfully for like an hour to get him to fuck me. Now he's asleep and I'm on my way to join the public library.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
Randomize
