i have a food baby... i think its a boy...
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took
The whole time we were fucking I kept thinking, "My dad would love this cologne. I'll have to ask him where he got it." the highlight of the night is that I figured out my dad's birthday gift.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
$150 and 3 orgasms. Dogsitting is awesome.
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
i texted "amiibo vore" to my insurance agent instead of someone else. do you think they'll raise my rates out of disgust?
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
Sorry I missed your call earlier. I was getting high with my high school band teacher.
Randomize
