How crunk are you?
I'm a Tom Selleck. Zero being Tipper Gore and max being the Bush twins
i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it
only you. it could only happen to you.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX
Dude, she found the red hair dye from 4th of July. then she proceeded to give you a red mohawk for a more patriotic thanksgiving eve. How do you not remember that?
There were midgets. And vodka. If you don't appreciate the awesomeness of that sentence, read it again.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
well he somehow got his hand stuck in some bike spokes trying to reach for a blunt he dropped and that's NOT the reason he's in the hospital...?
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
Please remind me tomorrow that I ate a loaf of jimmy johns bread on the toilet 5 mins ago
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
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