I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
The underwear in the garbage is clean. Just wipe the pizza sauce off
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
yesterday pre dick pic he said "no disrespect to your situation but i cant wait to get ahold of you again in the future" is this how people network??
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
Currently eating a pop tart in my underwear waiting for the washer. Not one of my prouder moments.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
