**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**
when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"
thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...
there were a lot.
He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?
She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here
Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Something tells me your "Titties for Tracy Morgan" fundraiser won't pan out.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can only rely on you and Taco Bell
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
I'm covered in bruises and scratches. I dont know whether to call them battlescars or sex decals
Randomize
