just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
So the name of the kid from the sponsor a child comercial popped into my head while I was masturbating this morning. Needless to say I will now be now be donating out of guilt.
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
She found my old SD card with stuff I "didn't keep" or "didn't record us doing".... She's pissed but really horny. Did I just win at sex?
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Remember the golden rule, wine is for baths, and beer is for showers.
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
I'm her ex, so unless you're interested in her massive moral failings and open season vagina, I'm not your guy.
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
