i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
She is the absolute last thing I would want to screw. Honestly. Fellating a porcupine. Higher on the list.
i am laugh crying so hard the guy next door stopped playing guitar
Mate, you pissed in my bed. Then told me to "Just keep swimming"
Yes, let me tell you about the time I was forcibly locked in a bathroom when my ex-girlfriend was having a bad shroom trip.
It's the warm chocolate goeyness of a brownie combined with the heavenly taste of weed-smell... Why have I never done this before?
people keep driving by and judging me for drinking natty outside in my underwear at 9 am. rude.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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