I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days
you have got to get your shit together
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
I would've hung out with you if I had the capacity to do anything besides fall over and pee on things
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
Lab coat again saves the day - hiding embarrassing shart evidence...
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I just climbed out the passenger side of my car because there was a spider on mine. I'm doing adulthood right
Adding to the list of things I have said out loud at the bar that I shouldn't have: "I am the yoda of sucking dick"
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
had more orgasms than hours of sleep last night
Randomize
