i just used a urinal to avoid climbing stairs, i need to quit drinking.
I woke up naked this morning and I found out that I thought I was Adam last night and Eve was my wife so I ran naked saying I was in the Garden of Eden and I could shit wherever I wanted.....too bad the garden was in my friends apt.......I spent the morning cleaning and have reached a new low
I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
There were 7 of us cowering in the kitchen because you were swinging a giant, pink double headed dildo around like a nunchuk and hitting anyone who came near you with it.
We had sex while watching the republican debate. I'm not sure how he maintained an erection watching Donald Trump speak.
It's the Ides of March, motherfucker. That means we're supposed to daydrink, right?
YOU'D BE LIKE A MERMAID! I'll bring you coffee filters to cover your tits.
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