Sometimes I wonder if my friend studies mystic Christian theology because he's afraid to come out of the closet. Evidently, it's okay to talk about God coming inside you, but not to say the same about dudes.
I love how its suddenly "not all about sex" now that he can't get it up
He tied my whole arm, in its cast, to the headboard first. He mumbled something about safe, sane, and consensual?
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
I'll come hang out with you guys later, but right now my parents aren't home and I have to take full advantage of being able to watch porn on full blast.
Well if homeless lesbian experimenting divorcée is your new M.O., you're gonna need to start drinking more anyway so if that's what it takes to talk about it tomorrow afternoon, bottoms up bitch
The difference in our lives is summed up perfectly in that you woke up next to a 6'4" guy with an accent and I woke up next to an unwrapped piece of string cheese.
so at 3am I stumbled into my parents house and crawled into bed with them, I need to start dating.
you don't understand it took me an hour and a half to escape that bed, I had to memorize his sleeping patterns.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Drunk is a universal language darling
Next time I say "i forgot to eat dinner, oh well" before drinking STRAP ME TO A CHAIR AND FORCE FEED ME BEFORE ALLOWING ME TO CONSUME BOOZE
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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