hey soul. what's that? you, dignity and pride are left for the night? coulda told me that before i vomited all over my mother.
I accidentally threw away from slim jim and some lady saw me dig it out of the garbage. It was unopened but still, I look so homeless.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?
After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.
A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.
She told me she's dating him because his apartment is a block from Taco Bell. I don't know how she's not fat.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
Let's just say it was like a porno version of Aladdin....
I'm sobbing to NWA
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Randomize
