i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I call biggest shit show at the party. I welcome all challengers.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I'm at your house, laying with your dog, eating taco meat, take your time.
Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals
Are you high and at a petting zoo again?
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
What's it called where you go to the stripclub with two guys that have both gone down on you...
Tuesday
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
My Mini-Van Handjob Milf is leaving the company. I need to find a new job. I can’t handle this place without those handjobs
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