You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
She got drunk on the air plane and pretended to be an elephant for an hour...Atleast the kid behind us enjoyed it.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
Apparently I yelled "Spring Break 1984" at a drunk couple fighting on the side of the road.
Netflix keeps asking me if I'm still watching just because I've been sitting here all afternoon...why do I feel like my tv is judging my life choices?
How hard is it to grasp the concept of 'I lost an impromptu saber bout and so I have to make a macaroni map of Soviet Russi, including Kazicstan'!?
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
He danced with some other girls and you started yelling "I can't believe I wasted half my Chili's gift card on you" at him
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
I talked to his mom for a good 10 minutes with coke all over my nose. Not the best first impression
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