Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"
A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Spotify knows me way to well. You mention swinger club and guess what it shuffles to? Danger Zone by Kenny Loggins
You should just skip the small talk from now on and instead say something like "You need to come slay the dragon, be here in 15?"
At dinner her sister yelled "he fucked me AND mom!! Up your standards hoe!!" Safe to say I ruined that family
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Date with Air Force guy was nice btw. And for my next trick I'll talk him into fucking me in his fighter jet at 30,000 ft.
Randomize
