you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...
Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I was super proud of him for making a mature relationship decision, and then I remembered that he cheated on her. With me.
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
I smell like a skunk, but I'm okay with that.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
Is this what it's like to be an adult? You plan out play dates for your vagina?
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Randomize
