Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.
By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence
shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.
Something about getting head on stairs. I don't know.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I walked in on you rubbing your nose all over his face while straddling him and yelling "I'M SO SORRY!" repeatedly. I'd say you were in pretty good shape at that point in the night.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Well I just found the most comfortable way to pass out on my toilet if I ever have to.
Its a good thing to know for upcoming events.
Sex and sushi don't even sound good right now... I might be on my death bed. To my Liz, I leave my extensive movie collection and my drinking supplies. To Olive I leave my car. Cause every Scottish terrier needs a 2010 Camaro.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
His name was Dragon. For real. How do you not sleep with a Dragon? Don't judge me.
Randomize
