Pretty people don't get stds, I knew it
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I hope that the reason I've been psycho on him is that I'm pregnant and not just psycho.
He's a fan of Alicia Keys on Facebook. It doesn't NEED to say 'interested in men'.
Dude, I just cut my asshole on the new toilet paper. If you rationed the grocery money to buy drugs, I better be getting some.
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.
we didnt plan anything. just randomly met up in the park, both reached into our pockets and each lit up a joint without exchanging words. we're telepathic potheads.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
When we got home I apparently addressed everyone as 'peasant' since it was my birthday, this followed by me demanding for my "peasants to wash me".
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
Never ever make a tattoo bet. I now have a shamrock on my dick.
I know, dude. If he ends up having a tiny dick, I will literally pack it back into his pants and leave. Not worth the aggravation.
My mom found me this morning passed out, face down on my dinning room floor
That must have been one awkward situation haha
Well I woke up in my bed.... I don't remember her finding me
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