Lost. The hour! Funtime!!!!
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
If you fuck her, Im going to call you and I want you to cough 2 times.
I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.
When were you at my house?
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
I really appreciate you taking the time to blur out my excessive boob cleavage for instagram
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Randomize
