Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Facebook lets you pick usernames now. You'd better log on and get yours before homewreckingwhore is taken...
The girl sitting next to me in class is writing her to-do list under the title 11/31.
You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
The bartender just legitimately thanked me for breaking the cycle of speed metal by playing mmmbop.
i don't think that has ever happened before in the history of man
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I would say don't do anything I wouldn't do, but we both know I forget about my personal safely when getting laid is on the line
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
He had a tattoo of the Batman logo around his asshole. I noped right the hell out of there.
Randomize
