I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
But he made me breakfast and understands the fuck sleep fuck sleep necessities
Every time I roll over in bed I land on a different vibrator. I feel I'm the only one with this problem.
You don't understand, we were on a waffle house. Both of us were absolutely certain we passed out at his place then BAM! Waffle house.
I can already see the regret in her eyes. Amazing night. This city rules.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
There's someone howling in the parking lot. Haha.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
id like to think im the only pot dealing prostitute that is also an ordained minister. but maybe not. what a time to be alive
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
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