i thought i deleted your number from my phone...Wtf
i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
I just beer bonged. Soco and spite please get on my levvl my hair is in buns
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
I'd help you out but I got Bacardi and Tequila poured down my snorkel last night and I'm still drunk
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
