so I woke up and found tortilla in my belly button
Gay walks of shame are so much more Amy Winehouse than straight girls
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
i threw up in a box in my own lap driving today.
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
Now I don't feel like I'm sweating cheeseburger all the time.
That sounds worse than that time you thought out an entire story of how big bird would kill you
Stay positive! You think people like sad vaginas? NO! You'll get some!
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
I just made my mom buy me lube. I've reached a new level of broke.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
Over Bumbled last night. I think I set my dog up on a date Sunday afternoon. I have to drive him, meet the other dog’s dad and secretly drink a bottle of champagne from a “water bottle”. This is not what I expected 30 to be like.
Can I say it was a great night out of town? Fucking my co-worker in the hotel bed while my best friend is fucking his friend on the floor and a random guy is laying in the other bed meanwhile we are all passing a joint back and forth
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
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