Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.
I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Omg I just met another drunk guy that is teaching me karate
totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
the roommate is literally cooking green eggs n ham, and I'm too hungover to see straight. Dr Seuss nightmare.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
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