my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
I'm pretty sure last night was the first time I've seen someone drink beer-soaked paper towels. Ever.
all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I'm at a nursing home getting weed. Lol when times are tough, things tend to get a lil weird
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
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