He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Like my mouth was on his pelvis connected to his balls that's how far it was
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Upon further investigation it turns out it wasn't blood, but chocolate frosting from the cupcake I shoved in my pocket to "save for later"
I raided the fridge drunk the same time dad was eating breakfast
Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.
I need an IV, a new head, and stronger morals.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
Gotta wait until my full time offer is confirmed before I try to fuck the mid level manager
Whose dick am I looking at? There are too many possibilities at the moment.
Fuck you. All I remember from last night is telling random people that I'm in a "judgement free zone" then I threw up
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
Randomize
