no, he came in my armpit
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza
apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday
An hour ago, you were stranded out of state, and now you're getting laid? You are a god. Whatever you do, don't ask her name.
That makes the second boyfriend of hers that I've fucked. I'm gonna start keeping an eye on every guy she even speaks to. Girl is my sexual rabbit's foot.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
And your cousins porn shouldn't have been the first straight porn you watched. And for that I am sorry
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
She is dumping me if she doesn't get a ring by Valentines. So one more month of free sex and it will be back to the right hand.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
Do you know anything about how the saran wrap ended up on my toilet seat?
How ironic... opening your legs for closure.
what the fuck happend anyway? How did it go from smoothies after work to blacking out?
Randomize
