I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
Every girl my sister has brought home from college I've had sex with, check and mate motherfucker
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
who knew tequila and Christmas cookies would go so well together
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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