omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!
Why the fuck was there a shirtless Mexican in my apartment this morning?
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
This Casey James character from American Idol is really gonna mess up my sex life.
Or maybe the fact that you know who Casey James is will be what messes up your sex life.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
The polish Muslims are throwin paczkis into the crowd and I'm beer 6 before 11 am
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I think I broke my hip playing drunk ping pong
I have feelings that need drinking.
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
Can we go out and get blitzed in celebration that they'll be no more surprise kids
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Hey? Just a hypothetical. You ever accidentally kill somebody's cat on purpose? Like you didn't mean to but it had it coming? If you're wondering it tripped me while I was walking down the stairs and I landed on it as I fell.
Randomize
