I'm curled up in a ball on the floor of my office with the lights off. I hope no one notices. No more open bar. Woof.
My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
biggest mistake ever: halloween 2009
I didnt shave my beard last night, so I could feel it while Im shrooming today
update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.
I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
Due to certain anatomical proportions it was less like fucking and more like childbirth.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
Like do I send him a nude to ease his mind off his brother having a stroke? I'm not very good with words when it comes to consoling... I would be a terrible mother.
You're not gonna like every guy whose dick I put in my mouth
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
Randomize
