Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
So you broke your ribs while fucking? Dude you just got about 25% hotter.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
I fucked the midget version of a backstreet boy and I am not mad about it
I would give away three of my own ribs to be able to eat myself out.
...ew
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