Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
Is there a technical name for reverse cowgirl? I'm trying to maintain a little dignity with my mother here
I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Besides the kids on acid... I was the highest kid there
Deciding whether to take my sex toys home for Christmas will be the biggest decision I make this holiday season
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
Well I just took a pregnancy test... So how's your thanksgiving?
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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