I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
you fully convinced the taxi driver that we were in a race
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
Try explaining "the nature of your relationship" to a cop when your fuck buddy vandalized your car. Priceless.
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
I am still awake. And let me sing you the song of my people. Ahem. "I have a bottle of hydrocodone and you all can fuck off."
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
I'm still hammered too. I started tweeting the time at one point I'm pretty sure.
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
Randomize
