just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
Is it weird that I think of Ennis from Brokeback Mountain everytime I hear "Make em Say" by Master P? "I don't need your money. Huh." NA NA NA NAAA.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
He wants to be 'in an open relationship'. Fuck that. That's the online equivalent of letting him pee in a circle around me.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.
and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
a day off where I don’t get laid would be worthless
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
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