well you can't waste a boner
Come over! I've just turned Titanic into a drinking game. I drink every time I want to fuck Leonardo DiCaprio.
I wishh there was a lost and high section in walmart cause I would be there right now
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.
i got us a cheese tray and a bottle of whiskey
ugh yes i love our date nights
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.
Should we buy the taco bell before hand? Not having taco bell on Quattro de mayo isn't a risk I'm willing to take
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Some crack addled fool from the sketch ass motel behind the restaurant just gave me a flyer for an AA group when I was on my smoke break. I don't do mornings
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
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