Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
The bar would not accept my money. I have reached God status here
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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