officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.
I mean there is a rehab there so its gotta be a good time
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
you said I shouldn't try to fill the void in my meaningless life with dicks but i am trying and it totally works
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
He cut off part of his middle finger playing the knife game while singing The Knife Game Song at the top of his lungs. He also scream like a girl when his finger hit the floor and he realized he fucked up.
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